Baby

I heard baby girl’s heartbeat again today. It never stops putting me in a good mood. It also got me thinking about miracles (get ready, I’m gonna get all sappy and philosophical and crap). So I thought about the first time we heard her heartbeat. It was so incredible. And it still is, but I gotta admit, I feel myself getting more and more greedy when it comes to miracles. When we first heard her heartbeat I was sure that that was plenty. I would be fine with just that miracle, just to be able to hear it. Now every time I go to the doctor I get that miracle. And it has kind of become expected. Then we had the ultrasound and we got to SEE our little girl. Man, that is a miracle. To be able to SEE her little heart beating and SEE her little arms and legs moving and SEE her adorable mouth when she yawned. After that, I was content. I had just seen her and that was miraculous. But here’s the thing. Now I find myself wanting to see her here. I want THAT miracle. I’ve had the miracle of hearing her heart and seeing her on the screen, which are huge things, but now I want to see HER. It’s just funny to me how the more I get the more I want. And I don’t think it’s bad to want to have her here with us, at all, I just think it’s ironic. That even after all the things I’m getting (that most people through history and even people today did not and do not have access to), I can’t help but want more.

Something else I was thinking about was how, even though we call her OUR girl, I don’t feel like she is ours. I feel like she is Heavenly Father’s and Chance and I are just “along for the ride” in raising her. It’s our job to take care of her needs and teach her and lead her, not to own her. Does that make sense? She is ours in the sense that we have had a hand in creating her. She is very much not ours in the sense that she is her own spirit and her own person. Realizing this makes me feel humbled and also feel a sense of gratitude. It makes me feel so grateful for agency and helps me realize more what a sign of love that really is from our Heavenly Father, to let us have that.

See, I told you. Sappy and crap. Also a little scrambled, but I hope you at least got a little of what I’m trying to say. Have an awesome day!